16)
Soon, friendships
were built and we didn’t leave our beds for just our nightly pork fests.
Each girl had someone
she adored and worshipped. The beloved one received goo-goo eyes, hot love
letters and the worshipper’s puddings, Jell-O desserts, forbidden fruits from the
home packages and all possible and impossible signs of boundless
adoration.
Careful advances were
made by day. At night one tiptoed to the chosen object of desire and knelt in
front of her bed. That was grisly cold in winter but as soon one received an
encouraging reaction, she disappeared under the warm blanket.
Our little ‘games’ were absolutely harmless. Our fondling and petting was
totally naive and without getting really close. Sometimes we used a hairbrush;
that tickled and made us giggle when brushed along the back, belly or the
inside of the legs. Yet we felt mighty wicked and grown up and were perfectly happy
when our prayers were answered.
Thankfully, I was
never caught.
In the two-bed rooms of the senior classes though must have happened lots of hotter get-togethers. Three of those girls were expelled from school and we
youngsters were anxious to learn more and had much to whisper about.
As it behooves for
proper educated Catholics we frequently had to go to confession.
Timorously like a rabbit in front of a snake, I confessed all my ‘wickedness’
to ease my conscience. It’s that easy and sounded something
like this:
‘I lied. I stole. I
was lazy. I had impure thoughts. I didn’t pay attention during holy mass. I was vein.’
The priest then would
ask what I stole. I’d say ‘chocolate from my neighbor.’
Then he’d ask what this is about impure thoughts and deeds.
He must have grinned over our innocent games and fantasies.
Confessions were
always an adventure and closely monitored by the nuns. They checked whether we
went often enough and showed appropriate penitence.
Once in my life, much
later, I really felt guilt and remorse and went to confession crying and
trembling so dreadfully, that the entire confessional box shook. I was content
that this institution existed; alas, it did not help much to reduce my pain.
To satisfy all this probity,
we were never allowed to wear slacks, long pants, sleeveless blouses or dresses
and an inch too low dropping décolleté was a big no-no.
The summers were unbearable hot back then, but we had to be covered up as it
suits young ladies.
St. Ursula School
Pitiable were we
girls when we had to deal with our menstruation. For one German Mark our
‘quail’, Mater Gabriele, gave us ten sanitary napkin pads as coarse as steel
wool. Changing them was
quite another venture. During afternoons we were always under supervision in
class rooms, pouring over our home work. We had to ask to go to the bathroom and
bad luck if we’d forgotten to bring fresh pads with us. Nobody was allowed to
go back to the dormitory for personal reasons during the day.
The pinnacle of an
utter torture was when we had to go on our daily airing, especially on Sundays
because that would last for 3 hours.
My pad would be
soaked and resolved into crumbs, ripping the skin off the inside of my legs. It
took days to heal and be able to walk naturally again.
But funny were these
excursions at any day.
Twenty girls marched through the vineyards in rows and formations of two abreast,
followed by Mater 'Quail' with wafting veils.
Our uniform consisted
of navy blue pleaded skirts, white blouses, navy blue blazers with our school’s
emblem: St. Ursula, and a dark blue beret. Totally chic.
Coming back to school we had to wrestle and battle for one glass of lukewarm
tea.
Lucky the ones who could take hold of a second glass. I will never understand
why I didn’t die of thirst. Tap water was undrinkable because it was heavily
chlorinated, filtered from the Rhein river.
Confessional-specific
and Boarding School-special were our ‘rare’ trips to church.
There was: Monday ‘Mission’ Mass to pray for African Missionaries.
This was optional,
but one better asked to be woken up to pretend to be a ‘good girl’.
Time to get up? 6 am because we had only 20 minutes to get ready.
I went often but I am certain that it helped neither African Missions nor me.
Tuesdays group mass was for only our floor – other groups had different days.
This was mandatory. Rising time: 6 am.
On Wednesdays we had to attend school mass outside the convent when also the
external studens had to be present.
On the evenings of Wednesdays we went to our chapel for the official church
evening prayers, the Compline.
Nothing special was demanded on Thursdays, but whoever went to mass anyway
earned an entrance into the nun’s good books. We call that ‘having a stone in
one’s board’.
Friday is the day of the Lord’s crucifixion – a trip to our chapel compulsive.
Rising time: 6 am.
Missing mass on
Sundays of course was a mortal sin.
Assuming all this
would have been enough for our salvation – far from it.
Mondays, Thursdays and Sundays we indulged ourselves in devotion and prayers in
the evenings.
Saturday evenings
were reserved for mediation and reflections headed by Mater Superior who
preached contemplation to help us become more internalized.
Yeah!
I felt thoroughly submerged
by never ending prayers, masses, additional rosary praying, mediations, and at
noon ‘bim-bim-bim’, everybody rose and prayed the ‘Ave Maria’; 6 pm ‘bim-bim-bim’ again,
the chapel’s bell calls for the evening’s ‘Ave Maria’.
Having clean laundry
after our weekly bath required some somersaults.
To have washed socks and knee-highs was up to us. I laundered them in the bowl
after my cat lick before bedtime. Forgetting it meant I had to search for the
least stiff ones next morning. One gets used to. At least my socks got soft
again after an hour of wearing.
Spotless underwear
though was pure luxury. I often saved it for after my once-a-week deluxe bath ‘orgy’.
Actually I had a very
practical way to obtain ‘new’, washed laundry.
I had a wooden container approx. 30 x 20 x 25 inches with a sliding lid
that had my home address on one side and the convent address on the other. Mother
had a key as well as I and it was always a holiday when I received my box with
washed clothes and hopefully lots of candy in it too. I had to open my packages
from home in front of the entire voracious group of girls and share everything.
To find a loving letter in my laundry box I waited forever; the only words I
got to read were admonitions.
Unfortunately it
always took weeks to send and then get my heaps of laundry back.
Consequentially I never had enough tidy clothes and just like everybody did, I
went downstairs to my used laundry bag on a fishing expedition for the least
dirty underpants.
The worst experience was to learn how awful girls not only can be, but ARE. Girls,
women in collective packages can be so appalling, it hurts.
Me being a bold rascal but very insecure and shy in front of others (no, it does not
cancel each other) I was not able to
defend myself against those brats from big cities. I was raised in the security
of our home and closed-in backyard. A country wench always being told that we
are nothing and that I ‘can’t do it anyway’.
Often I just stroke out in a sweeping blow. A young lady!! Now THAT was
shocking.
Females, whether big
or small, kids or adults turn into a bunch of mean creatures when they are
gathered in groups of more than two. I learned and suffered through it in
boarding school, later as a member of Tennis Clubs and in my Fashion business.
Dealing with groups
of women? Ugh! They are perfidious, sneaky and back-stabbing.
There were lies nonstop, networks of intrigues were spun, kicking under the
table to provoke a scream and following punishment by the nuns.
I was at the mercy of a precise pecking order and totally powerless and
helpless.
I did not have the gift of a quick tongue.
Besides, I always had this feeling for an aura around people. I always can
sense if someone is sad, distressed and grieving.
I thus can always feel on the spot when someone dislikes and rejects me. I feel
and see when someone lies, talks false and dishonest. It’s an ugly and very tense
feeling for me.
Often I am asked by
friends and partners: ‘What do you think? Is he for real?’
I can tell then and
there what a person is made of. I feel uneasy around
people resenting me because I feel it. Consequently I am getting awkward and uncomfortable
instantly uttering and do something brash, clearly improper.
Meals were taken in
the big refectory; sixty quacking individuals placed on two long tables at 1
and 7 pm. We rotated to attend and serve always for a week and in consequence barely
got something to eat when it was my turn.
Mealtime was our opportunity to chat – IF we conducted ourselves properly
leading up to it. Often I had the misfortune that one of those malicious kids
pinched the inside of my upper arm to make me scream with pain.
The punishment?
‘We all are going to remain silent now until the end of dinner.’
And I was the devil who caused it, which triggered more kicks against my shins
and nasty nips into my rips.
I was always boiling
when I merely heard this “we” do this, “we” do that and “we” are silent now.
The nuns didn’t do anything – and I never could grasp this: “How are we feeling today?”
WE? I know you are not talking about
yourself. Do you mean me? Then say so!
For all intents and
purposes I am not clumsy at all. But these girls sometimes initiated mishaps
that were grounds for more penalties.
Pancakes were
delivered from the kitchen on huge platters. To keep them warm we would place
them on huge radiators. What happened? The inevitable.
One lashed out at me, my hands flew under the platters, and all the pancake
dishes with much clangor and clatter landed behind the heater.
That was it and my
number was up once more. Dessert pudding is
burnt; everybody clasps their noses – who is caught?
That would be me.
I recall - it was the time of anorexia Twiggy style. We would wear our vest
backwards, the buttons in the back and paint our lips white; we felt
beautifully ill, just as the scrawny English model.
‘The Quail’ asked me
if I am feeling unwell.
‘Oh yes, Mater Gabriele’, I was totally excited to fetch some attention.
‘So’, she answered, ‘then we are cancelling our visit to the theater.’
That was a punsh down
low. She knew exactly that I was fit like a fiddle.
My parents had
invited my entire group to a ballet evening in the nearby Spa Resort
and Mother ‘Quail’ in a cruel stroke of her cranky, pettishly mood killed it in
an instant.
She didn’t mind to snub my parents either.
On Sundays we had
to write a letter home that, needless to say, was read by Mater
‘Oversight’. Once I
asked Father to allow me to go to an Arts and Crafts College in the North-West
part of Germany.
His characteristic
answer came soon and was signed by the ‘ruler’ himself:
“Dear Johanna,
If someone can create
a few squiggles and draw a little, it does not entail a special education in a
continued School. Your parents only want the best for you and think you are too weak and
not talented enough.
Your parents (note:
third person) are evidently concerned
about your future and have decided that you are going further with your studies
right here and in a Company that we are friends with. You always will be at home and go about with a train … etc. etc.
Your Father and your
Mother"
That I was sad,
insulted and terribly disappointed was of no interest to anybody.
I’d have loved to be creative, design, invent, become an architect and let my
fantasy do cartwheels.
Father though was the one who paid and hence was the sovereign.
All told it was a
harsh, cruel, merciless time full of humiliations and homesickness for me. I
emerged with even less self-assuredness and was so timid that I had plainly
problems crossing a street straight at home, always trying to hide – please!
Possibly nobody sees
me!
After years of threats to be kicked out of school for unladylike conduct I left
on my own. Brother Bernhard came into the vast quadrangle, loaded me and my
belongings into our open Mercedes 300 Convertible and drove off, leaving the
other girls behind with big google-eyes. Now, that felt good!
Please don't forget to hug your kids tonight! I missed out on that :(
In the meantime, Please, sign up, become a "fan", follow me? Leave a message? Tweet it, click on +1 ...?? I'd be grateful. Thank you!
And this is what I am doing now, trying to pay my bills : This is my Store - Offering OLD Ivory and MUCH more
My personal Web Site: www.JFK-Site.com
And I am selling part of my jewelry HERE
Kindly
Johanna (YooHUNNa)